Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #11 – “Chapter Eleven: Roman Holiday”! In the previous installment, a civilian gets murdered by Holiday on Independence Day. A lowly coroner down at the docks. Not much happens beside that. We find out Sofia Falcone and Salvatore Maroni are having a tryst. Harvey Dent wants to get the fuck out of Gotham City once everything with Holiday and the Roman blows over. Batman stops a Scarecrow crime.

We’re not any closer to finding the identity of Holiday. I still think it’s Bruce Wayne hopped up on methamphetamines. That’s the only likely conclusion that I can think of!

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #11 [October, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Eleven: Roman Holiday”

Gilda looks at her smelly husband with her giant doe eyes. “Please. Tell me the truth,” she says. She found something on the workbench in their basement. A gun. The kind that Holiday uses to kill jerks on holidays.

“It’s evidence,” he snaps, swiping the weapon out of her hot little hands. “We’re all working on this ‘Holiday’ thing. It has to stop.”

Gilda is still suspicious. Since when does Harvey bring back evidence from the office? I mean, there was that giant stuffed panda bear he took home from the Giant Stuffed Panda Bear Sacrificial Bonfire Cult case, but that was different! He won that at the cult carnival!

Harvey looks angry enough to beat his wife within an inch of her life. He says he brings evidence home all the time, god fucking cunting damnit! Now out of my way, woman. No more filthy questions from your whore mouth! *stomp stomp stomp* *slam*

The day is August 2nd. Batman enters a bar in broad daylight asking the whereabouts of “him”. The barkeep isn’t taking too kindly to this one question, so he tries hitting Batman with a baseball bat. Batman stops it and beats up the barkeep.

The old “break a chair over my head” gambit? Nice try, pal. I took my vitamins today.

After the brawl is over, the Riddler shows up to put in his two cents: “Why is Batman like a rowboat? They both have a bow to take.” He claps to himself, the only round of applause he’ll likely ever receive. “I’ve been looking for you, Riddler,” Batman growls. The Riddler looks like an emaciated Stanley Tucci. He’s smiling drunk at a corner table.

“On April Fool’s Day, you saw him, didn’t you? You saw ‘Holiday’.”

“Yes. And No.” Riddler hiccups. Batman grabs the shot glass of out his ugly hand and demands to know what the Roman wanted of him that evening. Riddler smiles and tells him that the Roman wanted to know who Holiday was. “He didn’t like my answers.”

Batman thinks that Holiday spared Riddler so that he could tell everyone that the Roman was looking for his identity. It’s all coming together like a jigsaw puzzle with exactly two pieces.

Elsewhere, Carla Falcone, Carmine’s ham-faced sister, is questioning his behavior. The Roman has been hiring freaks and insane people. Riddler! Scarecrow! Mad Hatter! Poison Ivy! And for what? For this! For this?!

Anyway, Sofia enters the room and tells Carla and Carmine that ”they’re ready” for them.

Salvatore Maroni, now the chief witness against Carmine Falcone, smiles through a cigarette while straightening his tie.

Just checkin’ your pecs and gluts, my good man.

Jim Gordon pats the guy down before he strolls into the courtroom. Outside, Vernon offers Maroni a bottle of Pepto Bismol or Pepcid AC or an enema, whatever helps a sour stomach. Maroni is like “huh”, but accepts the bottle.

Harvey Dent is surrounded by charts and graphs, no doubt prepared on his latest version of Microsoft Powerpoint, and calls Maroni to the witness stand. Dent is positively giddy. The case of a lifetime. The beginning of the end of “The Roman Empire” as it were! “And for the first time, perhaps ever, Gotham City will be rid of an evil that has nearly choked the life out of it.”

Yeah, right. Like there aren’t 800 other crime bosses waiting their turn.

Carmine Falcone walks into a surprise birthday party! His family tells him to make a wish over his cake candles, and he smiles quite devilishly at the thought of finally owning a copy of Paul Blart: Mall Cop on Blu-Ray.

Maroni testifies, mentions his stomach ulcer, talks about all the fellas he’s murdered and thrown in the Gotham River. The river is just lousy with dead bodies if you wanna check. “I ask you now. Under oath,” Dent points a finger at Maroni. “Didn’t you commit all these murders and felonies under direct orders from Carmine ‘The Roman’ Falcone?”

Maroni starts coughing.

Maroni keeps coughing.

Maroni pulls out the bottle of antacid.

Dent leans in to ask Maroni his question again.

Maroni splashes Dent in the eyes with antacid juice.

Carmine blows out his candles.

Dent screams — screams and writhes on the floor. “You’re dead, Dent!” Maroni shouts. “That stuff’ll eat through cement! Did you really think you had me?! Did you?!”

It sounded like this: EHHH OOOOHH EEEEEEE!!! ARRRGGHHH!! HOOOWAAHHHH!!

At Gotham Hospital, Jim and Barbara Gordon wait with a sobbing Gilda Dent in the hall. The doctor comes through the door. “Mrs. Dent? Your husband… is gone…” he says hilariously. Then he explains that he didn’t die, he just escaped. Heh heh.

Then the doctor doubles over, revealing a knife in his back. Hilarity times two!

We end at the coroner’s office. Carla Falcone is there in secert, thumbing through all the files in the Holiday cabinet; a file for each murdered victim.

Then she gets shot. The end.

Final Thoughts

WHO IS GOING TO STOP THIS HOLIDAY?! WE ONLY HAVE TWO ISSUES LEFT, WON’T SOMEBODY STOP HIM BEFORE HE KILLS AGAIN?!

Also, where did Harvey Dent go? Disney World??