Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #70 – “Strange (Part 1)”! In the previous installment, after Johnny Storm all but explodes all over a bunch of kids at a beach bonfire, Spider-Man shows up in his life to have a heart-to-heart about being some guy who has powers. They work together to save a babysitter and a baby from a burning building, causing Johnny to go “cool” and “wow” over using his powers to help people. It was all very heartwarming. My heart is so fuckin’ warm right now.

In the last mini-story of this story arc, we get to see Spider-Man interact with Doctor Strange. I hope he brought plenty of toads and newts for Strange’s mysterious potions. Right? I don’t know anything about this Doctor Strange guy! Does he mix potions like a witch in the woods?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #70 [February, 2005]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Strange (Part 1)”

Peter Parker has his hair slicked back and MJ Watson is wearing a strapless black dress that she got at Hot Topic. Parker tells her that she looks like a 25-year-old model. “This was a good idea,” he says cheerfully.

They sit down to a lovely dinner at the Tavern on the Green, a fancy restaurant that’s also heavy on the schmancy. So fancy-schmancy, in fact, that they take one look at the menu and gulp. MJ will be having soup. Parker will load up on bread.

Parker can’t take his eyes off his girlfriend. She looks like a million smackeroonies. She’s distracted by a story that he started and didn’t finish a while ago; something about a magician. Parker doesn’t want to tell the story, but what the fuck else are they doing? Gorging on foie gras? Tell the damn story.

It all started in class one day. He was barely paying attention, which reminded him that he used to pay attention in class all the time before he became Spider-Man, aka “before my life turned into a big ol’ pile of crap”.

All he could think about was Gwen Stacy’s empty desk. It preoccupied his squishy noggin so much that he had to leave and get some fresh air. He pulled on his costume and took off, wondering if he even wants to be the dang Spider-Man anymore. “I can’t handle it,” he says. He thinks he’s too young, but he wears the costume anyway. “I keep putting my life in danger to help other people, and I swear to God I really have no idea why.”

He was just about to go to work when, suddenly, the Ultimates showed up! They were facing off with some half-zombie, half robot. “People were running around like it was a Godzilla movie,” Parker says. This is the part where I finally understand, unless I’m mistaken, that in the Ultimate universe they call the Avengers “Ultimates”. Did I get that right? Hello?

So, Spider-Man started helping the Ultimates out a bit, since Captain America was there and he wanted to look good in front of him. Spidey bonks Mr. Half-Zombie Half-Robot in the head and incapacitates him. Good work, son! Here’s a lolly.

Shove off, kid. Make yourself useful and go pound sand.

Clint “Jeremy Renner” Barton sneers at Spidey and tells him he’ll see him at prom. Then he grumbles something about hating kids, which sets Spidey off in a sour mood. “I mean… this is what I have to look forward to when I grow up? People being just… jerks?”

Parker frowns heavily at the copy machine as Xeroxes of his butt pop out of the printer. “Every adult I talk to is so angry about whatever nightmare they created out of their life… all the things they didn’t do, all the girls they didn’t ask out, the life lessons they never learned…”

Yeah yeah yeah, everyone’s so angry all the time that it’s making Parker angry. Welcome to life, nerd. And fuck you.

“Putting angry news stories onto the angry server so that people can go on to the angry Daily Bugle website and get angry reading about the angry world outside their angry home.”

Speaking of angry, J. Jonah Jameson wants to speak to the young lad. And by “speak to” I mean “rant and throw staplers at”. He asks Parker if he remembers having “that talk” (the birds and the bees and the penises and the vaginas). The talk where Jameson actually lets his guard down and gives Parker words of encouragement? It happened! I just don’t remember the issue anymore to link to it. Oh well.

Also part of that conversation was allowing Parker to shadow a reporter for a bit once in a while. Go follow Grumpy Ben Urich to Doctor Strange’s house for a fluff piece. “He’s the new L. Ron Hubbard,” Jameson claims. Urich doesn’t want to waste his time with this story, but Jameson insists.

“The guy’s father, the original Doctor Strange, guy’s been missing for years,” says Jameson. “There’s a history there. A lot of people believe this guy is the real deal. Merlin, or some goofy thing.” Suddenly, Urich drags the kid out of the office by his shirt, so that’s the end of that conversation.

Back at the restaurant, MJ thinks that Parker’s story sounds cool so far. Parker looks shadowy as he says he thinks he has met this Strange fellow before. But he can’t remember. MJ arches an eyebrow and wonders how this kid can think he met someone. “I have this creepy feeling that I have,” Parker claims. “But I can’t remember it.”

For instance, check out this footage of Dateline NBC with Chris Hansen…

Parker reminds MJ of the documentary they both saw about the guy. Or the two guys, rather – the father and the son. A drunk-as-a-skunk Stephen Strange crashes his car, killing his wife and his unborn child and damaging his hands. He was a surgeon, you see, and now he can’t Ben Carson his way through his career without accidentally slicing through vital arteries and various other gross body parts.

Strange traveled the world seeking miracle cures, like salves and Satanic rituals, but nothing worked… until he met a man in Tibet. “Strange never did find what he was looking for. Instead he found so much more. According to his own writings, he found a purpose and meaning to life that he never knew existed. And that is the story of the original Doctor Strange.”

*golf clap*

In the documentary, Clea Strange, Doctor Strange’s former student/wife/punching bag, speaks of his ambitiousness. As for his disappearance, some believe that he trapped himself in another dimension! Others believe that his existence is merely a hoax. She told the police 20 years ago that one minute he was there, the next minute he was gone. She looked for him for years: in Paris, in Queens, under the kitchen table, he was nowhere to be found.

But his son, Stephen Strange Jr., who never knew his father, started learning some of his secrets. Soon he adopted the Doctor Strange moniker, and although his accomplishments can’t hold a candle to his father’s, well, he’s a good boy! And he’s certainly making a name for himself, showing up on talk shows, magazines, there’s even a reality show in the works. And that’s all Clea wants to talk about. Fuck him, she doesn’t like him much anyway.

And that’s about it.

Ben Urich and Peter Parker show up outside Casa de Strange, a house in the middle of downtown that’s shrouded in mist. “This is simple puff piece,” says Urich. “It doesn’t get simpler than this.” Parker vaguely acknowledges this; he’s clearly uncomfortable as they ring the doorbell. Strange’s extremely bald assistant opens the giant wooden door and says it’s not a good time. But they had an appointment! Urich gets pushy, but the assistant insists that the Doctor is not available and that they should get the fuck off the property, please.

No sex on this date kiddo.

Parker’s Spidey-Sense goes haywire as they leave the residence. He becomes preoccupied while Urich gets in a cab, itching to do a little Spidey-style investigation! He returns to the house and busts through the wooden door, trespassing like all get-out! “Wait a second, this is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife!” he says, Byrning so hard that I’m swept off my feet. Doctor Strange is on the floor while the bald assistant conjures up a flaming orb in his hand, and…

“Wow. Then what happened?” asks MJ.

“Well, I beat up the bad guy and… huh. I think I did. Yeah, I must have.”

MJ’s eyes and smile are as wide as the dickens. “Wow.”

Parker’s face is sheepish. Something funny’s going on.

Suddenly, MJ’s eyes get a weird glint in them. Then her skin starts to get pale – basically gray. “An all ‘A’-student. An ‘A’-student and you don’t know you haven’t woken up yet. That is funny.”

Okay, uh, what the fuck is going on all of a sudden? Two figures grab Parker from behind – Uncle Ben and Gwen Stacy. They have plastic smiles and fire in their eyes!

“You’re having a nightmare, sweetie,” says the now horrific figure of not-MJ. “And you’re never going to wake up.”

Final Thoughts

Sucks for Parker! Nightmares make him wet his pants! His bed is going to be a swamp and Aunt May will beat him to death with a lamp.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #69 – “Meet Me”! In the previous installment, Johnny “Human Torch” Storm needs to finish high school, so he enrolls in Peter Parker’s school! He quickly makes friends with 15-year-olds and lays low until a night in front of a beach bonfire, where he accidentally sets himself ablaze and is unhurt. Now he has some ‘splainin’ to do, and we’ll see right away just how that pans out for him.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #69 [January, 2005]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Meet Me”

Kids are running away from the Human Torch as he is engulfed in pesky flames. He tries to get Liz’s attention as she bolts, screaming. The only two who didn’t run away like a couple’a wusses were Parker and MJ. Johnny goes “oh golly oh dagnabbit” and asks the two of them to tell Liz that he didn’t mean to freak her out like that. Or anyone else for that matter. Then he flies away still flaming like the day he was born. Heh. Whut?

“What was that?” says MJ.

“I have no idea,” says Parker.

“Peter, why didn’t you do anything?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.”

The two stare bug-eyed in the sky, wondering if they just saw a mutant. Wondering if they should just go and fuck like a couple of teenagers. Probably the mutant thing is more likely.

At the Baxter Building, Johnny grumpily watches a four-screen TV setup. Sue comes in to say that she knows, through Reed, that he accidentally used his powers. “I’m not going back to high school, Sue,” Johnny says, hanging his head. “It’s done. I’m done.”

Sue uppercuts his crotch and throws him out a 56th story window. Then she tousles his hair. “What happened?” she asks. But he won’t say. If the only thing he did was make a fool out of himself in front of a high school sophomore, then Johnny is truly a Grade A dingus.

That’s a pretty good one, actually.

The next day at school, everyone stares at Liz and MJ as they walk through the halls, ready at a moment’s notice to pounce with their wise-crackin’. We don’t see much of Liz anymore at this point, so I’m guess she hanged herself with a belt in the chemistry lab.

After school, Parker and MJ find Johnny by his car. After learning that Liz left crying after lunch because the entire student body kept razzing her because of him, Johnny makes a face like “…”

“Uh, so… who are you?” asks MJ. “What are you,” Parker adds. And Johnny replies that he’s not allowed to say. He’s just some guy, you know? Some guy you can set on fire as a little parlor trick! “Are you, like, a mutant?” MJ asks, but Johnny insists that he needs to stay tight-lipped about everything.

MJ whispers to Parker wondering if the man they’re standing near is a good guy or a bad guy, but she must whisper like a bullhorn because Johnny insists he’s a good guy. He can just fly while on fire, is all. Nothing to it, really. How ‘bout that, by the way? Cool stuff, huh?

“Is she—is Liz ever going to want to talk to me?” Johnny asks, and he’s met with sheepish frowns. “Agh,” Johnny continues. “Any chance you can talk to her?”

Nope! Liz hates mutants! There was a whole thing about it 40 issues ago or something, I think, I barely remember. Johnny throws up his hands and cries that he ain’t a mutant!

But Liz thinks she might be… “She thought she lit you on fire,” says MJ. “She thought she did it. I think she knows now she didn’t. But—listen, like I said. She has issues.”

It’s not so bad. People with normal lives grow up to become emotionally and financially stable. That shit’s for nerds.

Johnny asks them, finally, to give Liz a message. It amounts, essentially, to “Say sorry and also I like her”. Also, he wants her to meet her at Andru Park at 5pm so they can talk. Sounds like a recipe for unwitnessed sexual harassment, but I’m not here to judge the Fire Guy.

He drives away, leaving MJ to tell Peter that there’s no way in fuck that Liz is going to meet him in Andru Park at 5pm.

And then MJ gets a brilliant idea. Parker should talk to Johnny! Yes! Go put on the costume and talk to him! “Give him a pep talk. He’s a cutie guy. He feels bad. You’ve so been there. It’ll make him feel better.”

Parker is super salty and sour and bitter about this, but MJ insists. What should he say to him if he even decides to do this? “What’s up, man? With great power comes great responsibility. Check this out! *webs*”

So, as it were, Johnny is in the park and it’s already 5:17pm. But then Spidey does show up to give Johnny the ol’ talk. He scares the bejeezus out of him, actually, by perching on the play structure above him. “Is everything okay? With you?” he asks. Johnny is rendered speechless. But Spidey keeps on talking.

“I-I have like a… sense—and I can tell when, um, someone has powers. And I was swinging by and I—my sense, um, went off,” he stammers. Johnny smiles at this wonderful news! Spidey is the man! He’s a huge fan, and, um, the press is super mean and unfair all the time! Who wants a hug??

Yo man, got a cigarette to go with that light?

So anyway, dude, are you okay? And Johnny scowls. He asked a girl to meet him here at the park and she blew him off. This keeps happening; Johnny ain’t got no pussy since this whole Human Torch thing started! Oh yeah, he was supposed to keep it a secret, but what the heck. This is Spider-Man he’s talking to! So he lights his hand on fire as a demonstration. “Human Torch,” he introduces himself. Spidey is agog and aghast!

Anyway, Johnny is keeping this all a secret because of Spider-Man. Bad PR from the get-go. He and the other Fantastic Three want a clean slate to spooge good press upon. But, seriously man, no pussy! No pussy! He asks if Spider-Man is having similar problems with girls, and admits that his only friend right now seems to be his sister Sue.

Spidey is agog all over again! The Sue Storm? She’s a genius! “Is she why you’re Fire Boy?” Spidey asks, but Johnny insists that he’s really, really, really not allowed to talk about any of it.

Suddenly, a BOOM in the distance interrupts their little chat. Smoke rises from somewhere downtown. Spider-Man web-slings his way out of there. “I’ll see you later,” he says, but Johnny wants a piece of the action too! He gets all Flamed Up and follows Spidey. “Reed’s going to kill me for this, but whattaya gonna do…?”

In no time, Spidey is saving a woman from a burning building. She’s a babysitter, and the baby is still in the building roasting alive like a brisket! Spidey did his part, now it’s Johnny-Boy’s turn. Can he control the fire? Who knows! Johnny has never really been in this position before! And… oh wait… um… let’s see… uh… wait… wait… okay, maybe he can control the fire a little teensy bit. Just enough for Spidey to jump through a window and save the baby.

Shit! Shit! Hold on! Where’s my wallet??

A crowd has gathered, and they all stare up into the sky in awe as the incandescent Human Torch soars into the heavens and sets off what appears to be a very large firework, impressing his audience! Then he flies away. Another job well done by the two mightiest superheroes the world has ever seen since Robin and, uh, Barnacle Boy.

Spidey finds Johnny back in the park. “That was so awesome!!” Johnny exclaims. They actually saved people! This is better than black tar heroin, and trust me, he’s tried it!

Spidey notices that Johnny is wearing a costume of sorts: a a heat- and flame-resistant impact suit. Reed made it for him out of Kevlar and poop.

“Hey, listen, what you did was amazing,” says Spidey.

“I didn’t know I could do that. I’ve never done that before.”

“Really?”

“This is all kinda new. I don’t know. It felt great… doing that. Helping those people. That felt great.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Broken record shit from this guy over here. Anyway, the fuzz have shown up to the park, time to split. Johnny thinks that they’ll be thanked, but Spidey knows the police will blame the fire on them. Time to skedaddle for serious.

Spidey later tells Johnny that the police suck and everyone’s going to think you’re a bad guy even if you do good guy stuff. That’s just the game. “Half the people are happy to see us, the others are scared out of their minds because, well—really, I think half the world just wants to be scared of whatever they can find… and the scared people, they just seem louder than the happy ones. That’s life.”

Great to meet ya! They exchange pleasantries and shake some hands. Spidey promises to see Johnny once they finally go public, and that’s it. That’s the end of the issue. How warm and fuzzy, huh?

Final Thoughts

Gee, that Johnny Storm is such a nice lad. Too bad he tried to lure a girl to the park in order to statutory rape her.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #68 – “Popular”! In the previous installments, Wolverine and Peter Parker switched bodies with hilarious and sexy results! At the end of the day, we can all blame Jean Grey for the Freaky Friday happenstance, but she doesn’t even get so much as a slap on the ol’ wrist! Anyway, status quo time, and a fresh story awaits! Let’s dig into it like sponge cake.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #68 [January, 2005]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Popular”

We begin at the Baxter Building in Manhattan where the stinky, unshowered Fantastic Four have made their ramshackle home. “Johnny Storm, we need to talk,” says Sue Storm. An intervention for the flaming one! Here’s the thing – and speaking of Thing – you two are playing video games and jerking off while Sue and Reed have been toiling away at experiments. It’s high time that you get your high school diploma, you fucking slacker. You fucking slacker dropout piece of shit.

“Right this second?” Johnny asks.

“Well, kinda yes,” Sue replies.

“Um, why?”

“Because you need to graduate high school.”

Tough talk! But really, this is to make Dad proud. He thinks your unshowered, stinky slacker dipshit self could use a little plumbing up, so to speak. “I have four separate doctorates in chemical sciences,” Sue says, needlessly rubbing Johnny’s face in a pile of warm feces. But Johnny turns up the flames on here. “I’m a freakin’ superhero now! We all are!! I’m going to be rich and famous… so why bother!!”

OK, well, uh, calm down, sir. Superheroing is not all riches and pussy. Let’s say the four of them go public with their apparently newly-acquired powers. It’ll be like showbusiness. Things will be hot for a bit, then things will cool down. It’ll go in cycles. Maybe their powers will ebb. Maybe people will get fucking sick of them! And then what? Without a high school degree, Johnny will be flipping burgers at Taco Bell because he was too stupid to show up to the right fast food joint.

Dad said not to go public until Johnny finishes high school, so Johnny begrudgingly agrees for one reason: “high school hotties”. Which is gross because Johnny is like 29. He’ll go to some nothing school in Queens full of Kongs and Flash Thompsons and that nerd with the thing.

Speaking of the nerd with the thing, he is currently tripping over Kong’s leg in the high school hallway. The whole student body laughs and laughs. Kong is cool about it, though. He’s all like “Sorry Peter, but I had to go for it! You understand, don’tcha?”

Parker gets mad, and Kong gets sheepish. Flash starts a “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” chant, but the two of them just shrug.

Sullen Twink vs. Smelly Fat Kid! 450:1 odds on the twink!

The chant is cut off by Queens Remedial High School for Dummies’ newest student! The adult that just walked in! He looks frowny and grumpy, but Liz immediately gets hearts around her head. A teacher comes out of the lounge to tell everyone to cork it and go to lunch. The students disperse. We all had a good time for a second there, though, didn’t we?

“I was just screwing around, man,” says Kong.

“Go away,” Parker responds, picking up his books. MJ tears Kong a new, giant B-hole while Liz grabs Flash’s shirt. “He likes it,” Flash says, defending himself against the onslaught of 90-lb girl. “This is why no one will go out with either of you,” Liz says. Flash smiles and says he gets plenty of pussy. Quality pussy. None of that redhead trash. “Zing!!”

Parker has to hold MJ back from tearing Flash a C-hole. Flash walks away triumphantly. Parker groans about Kong, wondering why he’s friendly one day and a jerk the next. Probably because he’s 16 years old. You’re all idiots. That why 29-year-olds should be populating the halls. Speaking of which–

Take that Catwoman! You really do fucking suck! Boo and hiss!

Liz stares at Johnny Storm at his locker while Parker and MJ continue to mumble about how just one little Spider-Man move could tear Flash a new D-hole. Always better to take the high road, though, right kids? Stay away from drugs and strangers, too, and all that. Anyway, Liz is desperately vying for MJ’s attention, so Parker walks away while they engage in girly conversation. Liz wants MJ to hook her up with Johnny Storm. MJ doesn’t wanna talk to him. Liz is like “be my wingman”. MJ is like “no”. “You know what guys like nowadays? They like a girl who has the self-confidence.” She tries to get Parker’s input, but he has had enough girly conversation lately, thank you very much.

“Guys like skanky outfits,” Parker adds. MJ tuts at him.

“He’s too hot for you,” MJ tells Liz. “He’s going to treat you like crap and you’ll let him because he’s way too hot.”

“Not all of us hot guys are jerks,” Parker says. Liz whispers to MJ if he’s joking.

Johnny Storm has made his way to the lunchroom where he eats alone like the school’s newest nerd. Reed calls Johnny up on his adorable 2005 flip phone to remind him that he can’t use his powers at school. And since Johnny just used his flamer powers to heat up a burger, Johnny asks Reed how he knew. “Your watch is a monitor. Don’t do that. You want to be Spider-Man? See the bad press he gets? Mutants? You want that? Just lay low.”

MJ approaches, and Johnny hangs up with smirk. MJ introduces herself and has a rather awkward exchange with the calm and collected 35-year-old new student. After making it clear that she has a boyfriend (which makes Johnny’s face fall a little bit), MJ asks him if he likes blondes.

I will be ravaging that pussy in no time! Thanks for the hook up, my dear lady.

There’s a back and forth here that goes how you would expect it to go. It is agreed that Johnny will show up at the parking lot at the mall after school and say the good ol’ “hey” to Liz, who will happen to be there too. Done and done. Jailbait for the 38-year-old.

And before you know it, Johnny and Liz hit it off. MJ feels like she did her good deed for the day, and now we can all get to our normal high school kid routines of playing Dance Dance Revolution and eating A&W hot dogs.

MJ knows that Parker is still in a funk about Dead Gwen, but he’s trying his best to snap out of it. “It still isn’t your fault,” she tells him. They kiss, and she suggests a fancy date. She wants to dress up fancy and spend a lot of money. Parker is hesitant because he was planning on spending that money on Soulcalibur III and Pixy Stix, but what the hey. They allow themselves a couple of weeks get some money together, and they’ll do it! Yeah! Hooray!

Liz comes back with good news! Johnny’s gonna get all up in her guts, and it’s all thanks to MJ! And, they’re all gonna meet at Rockaway Beach; Johnny, Liz, Parker and MJ. On Friday after school! Bikinis and sunburns! Parker’s in!

Cut to Friday and lol Kong’s there too.

Chris Hansen warned you kids about people like this! Abort! Abort!

Anyway, the beach stuff is fun and all, but now it’s time for a nighttime bonfire with some other teenagers hanging out, because THAT sounds like a good time. Ugh. Stories are told about the Green Goblin coming to Midtown High School and Spider-Man kicking his ass and so forth. Parker and MJ stay out of the conversation for obvious reasons. Shit got too real back then.

“You saw Spider-Man?” Johnny asks Liz.

“Guy leaped right over my head. I saw his butt.”

“I love that guy.”

Johnny stands up and starts talking Spider-Man up something fierce. “Who else you know that just goes out there and helps people? With no agenda. Guy doesn’t care what you say about him – he helps people.”

Johnny doesn’t notice that he just waved his arm into the roaring fire. Suddenly, he explodes into a fiery burst of The Human Torch.

“Uh…” he says to a huge group of gawking teenagers. “I can explain this.”

Final Thoughts

Now we’re cooking with gas! Reed is going to give Johnny the glowering of a lifetime! And Parker is going to find a kindred spirit in Johnny and – yes, that‘s right – he’ll show him his penis.